I have a wedding to go to in just 3 short weeks. Flashback-when I brought the dress a little over a month ago I was about 8 lbs heavier. It fit quite nicely. The only complaint I had about it was that my stomach wasn’t quite where I wanted it to be. All in all any issues I had with the dress could be fixed by a spanx slip. A month ago I was sure that all I would need to do this close to the wedding would be to find some shoes to go along with the dress I purchased.
Fast forward to yesterday evening when I decided to try on the dress to see how much “better” it would fit. The dress was looser in the chest, arms, and waist. But somehow I seems that I have lost weight in all the wrong areas. My smaller waist made the dress seem baggy but I still had a bit of a pooch in the stomach area. I’m not even sure how that happened. It’s like the dress looked better with more stomach to fill it out?! Then the dress fell weird on in the thigh area-but my thighs have definitely gotten smaller as per my jeans. I’m at a loss. Either I need to lose another 5 lbs before the event so the dress hangs more like a shift dress or I need to find something else to wear. I can’t figure out how it is possible to lose weight in all the wrong places but I did it.
This is the part of my weight loss journey that is driving me nuts. None of my clothes fit quite right. Everything is baggy in the waist and butt but too tight to go down a size in the thigh/hip area. My tops don’t fit quite right either. I am probably between a sizes and that doesn’t help. Until then I will have to keep making things work I guess.
I’m still having an issue with emotional eating. I am also dealing with the bone numbing fatigue that comes with a RA flare-which means I eat mindlessly for “energy”. I just want to maintain the progress that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I’ve decided to try intermittent fasting (IF) to control my desire to shove food in my face 24/7.
Since my goal is to prevent over eating rather than rapid weight loss I’ve chosen to place my eating window from 9 am to 5 pm. I will still walk in the morning for about 35 minuets to get my fasting “workout”. Hopefully next week I will see 0 weight gain-which will be a victory for me.
I am trying to drink more water. I have jumped onto the drink half your weight in water train and I am riding it for all it’s worth. Positives-my skin is more hydrated and I have noticed an increase in my energy levels. The down side-having to pee 20 times throughout the night.
Last night I was determined not to wake up for the 18th time to trudge to the bathroom. I was trying to remain “sleep” despite having to get out of bed. That strategy worked well until I walked into the doorframe of the bathroom.
So I’ve been sporting a lovely bruise right between my eyes. It’s still sore to touch and I’ve had a slight headache all day. But I still did my 30 minute walk this morning before work and I’m still drinking my water today. So I guess I won ?
I know that weight loss is 80% of what you eat. I also know that good health relies heavily how you fuel your body. But over and over again I plan to grab something “healthy” on the run. Even though 9 out of 10 times that doesn’t happen. The sad thing is I don’t intend to make poor choices. More and more I am finding that I eat unhealthily because there are no healthy choices available to me.
My cafeteria at work will advertise vegetables but then season them with bacon or ham. So the one thing a non-meat eater can always count on instantly becomes uneatable. Then I look at the entrees: meat, meat, or mac’n cheese. All poor choices for me. So I am left grabbing a bag of chips, crackers, or a KIND bar. Great! The poor breakfast and lunch choices lead to ravenous hunger after work and me opting for something quick rather than something nutritious.
I need to get it through my head that this is insanity. Everyday I go to the company cafeteria expecting choices and most days I am disappointed. I need to start bringing my breakfast and lunch. I need to start meal prepping on the weekend. Because it doesn’t matter if I wake up early every morning before work and walk. It doesn’t matter if I track my calories religiously. I cannot get healthy if I don’t take control of my diet. So this weekend I will plan out a menu. I will prep my meals. I will making the same choice over and over again and expecting a different result.
After last nights weight loss meeting I was feeling reinvigorated. I had my goal for the week, I had learned some nutrition tips, and I was more determined than ever to do the hard work necessary to change my lifestyle. Then morning happened.
I woke up with a horrible sinus headache. I also discovered that the stomach bug that had been circling around my department at work had decided it was my turn for the nauseous fun everyone else had been experiencing. My healthy eating plans went out the window. Instead of the barbecue tofu and vegetables I had planned to make for dinner tonight I opted for soup. On top of all of this my RA decided to join the party! If any day was to be a complete wash out today should have been the day. My own body seemed to be conspiring against me to derail my healthy journey today.
I had decided to make an early night of it. I had already put on my PJs. The bed was turned down. The new plan was to mindlessly watch tv until I fell asleep. But I paused, dropped to the floor, and did 10 push ups. No it wasn’t a calorie blasting workout. However it was SOMETHING. It was me saying to life’s inevitable downs that my health is a priority. When I can do more I will. But sometimes it will just be something-and I am fine with that.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I need help on my health journey. I took a good long honest look at myself, at my issues with my weight, and my relationship with food. The only conclusion was that I needed help. And I still need help. Everyday I fight to continue to go forward and not re-gain the small victories I have achieved. I am at a point in my journey where it is getting difficult. I want to settle for better instead of struggling for health. So I went to a weight loss support group tonight. Just to get back on track. I needed to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles. I needed to be reminded of what I am trying to achieve and to recommit myself to being the healthiest version of myself. Because I is ok to get help. There is no shame in needing support. All that matters is that I make my goal. And with help, I am sure I can be the healthiest I can be.
If I had to choose one word to describe how I have felt about my diet over the past few years it would be GUILT. I felt guilty over my food choices and guilty over my portion sizes. I felt guilty that I was just grabbing fast food, and most of all guilty of the way my poor choices were harming my body. I knew my family history of obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes. But I still chose to eat foods that would make it hard to escape my genetic predispositions. I also have my own health issues to deal with. I have rheumatoid arthritis-an autoimmune disease. Eating a diet of high fat, high meat, low fruits and vegetables did nothing to alleviate the symptoms of this painful disease. In fact, my poor diet probably made my efforts to achieve remission of my disease harder. The foods I was eating on the regular basis were highly inflammatory- the last thing I needed.
I have made small changes over the last few months. I’ve given up red meat and poultry. Even though I’m still adjusting to a pescatarian diet I can say that I feel better giving up some of the inflammatory foods in my diet. I’m not a big seafood person but I am trying to get used to consuming fish on the regular basis for the anti-inflammatory benefit they provide. I am slowly increasing the amounts of fruits and vegetables I consume.
Do I still crave the unhealthy foods that I spent so many years eating? Yes. My mind still sees the unhealthy foods as I was consuming on the regular basis as familiar. When I try to plan my meals burgers, fries, pizza (which I still eat a few times a month) are the first things to come to mind. The fact that you can easily get vegetarian versions of these foods doesn’t make it any easier. But what is helping is that when I eat healthier the guilty feelings are not present. And when I fall off the wagon and decide that a veggie burger and fries is the best I can do for dinner I accept that. I am making healthier choices than I was before. I’m choosing to focus on progress rather than perfection. Lifestyle changes don’t happen overnight but I have a new determination to practice doing things differently. I am changing my relationship with food so that guilt isn’t in the equation-even when I “mess” up.