Tumbling Down

I’m not completely out of control but if I don’t rein it in I will be.  As of Saturday I had lost 22 lbs since the beginning of my journey.  I haven’t been this “small” in about 3 years.  It’s a great feeling to be at a 3 year low but the bad habits and circumstances that caused my weight to balloon out of control threaten to derail me once again.

This blog isn’t about my chronic illness but the chronic illness is apart of my weight gain and weight loss journey.  Before rheumatoid arthritis I was barely a size 6-I could probably have fit into some size 5 clothing at that point.  I was working out for 1-2 hours every day.  I  was healthy.

Then one day my hands felt stiff.  Then my wrist and elbows.  My toes were swollen.  My knees didn’t bend quite right.  I woke up in pain.  I broke down in the bathroom at work because of the pain.  And then I had a diagnosis.  Enter medications that didn’t work, sort of worked, caused weight gain, caused horrible side effects, and then finally remission.

When remission came I had developed a bad habit of letting food be my comfort.  I refused to deny myself any tasty treat that I might want in the moment despite the fact the that my clothes didn’t fit and the scale reached heights I wasn’t comfortable with.  As I tried to climb out of the whole I had dug for myself.  I found (still find) it hard to regain the self-control and self-denial necessary to become healthy again. But I did.  I began exercising again.  My fast food diet was replaced by green smoothies and vegetables.  And 3 years ago I was in the same place health wise as I am today.

But just as I was getting my stride 3 years I got a rude wake up call.  Chronic means something never goes away.  The unrelenting fatigue returned.  Once again my joints began to swell.  And I once again found myself struggling to make it through everyday life.  And once again food was there to comfort me.

My medications were once again changed.  I had more energy, less swelling, and less pain.  I went to see a nutritionist.  I began making health choices that would help me regain my health.  But about 3 weeks ago something changed.  Random swelling is back.  I am stiff again.  When I sit for prolonged periods of time I limp when I walk.  As I type this my hands hurt.  And today I went over my calorie count.  Not because I was hungry but because I feel bad.  My meds aren’t working.  And I used food to cope.

I’ve worked too hard to let this tumble-down around me.  But my options far as a medicine for a flare-prednisone- causes weight gain.  I’m not at a point where I can’t function.  It’s just harder than I want it to be.  Harder than it should be.  But that’s just life.  Everyone is struggling with something that is harder than it should be.  It’s just my cross to carry-but this time I will not buckle under its weight.

 

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